Kid Girl Woman Human

September 13


I want to be able to say, “when I was a little girl.” I want to be able to say, “when I was a little girl” without people assuming that I identify as a girl now. Because I want to be able to talk about my childhood and take ownership of my childhood in the names and identities I grew up in without betraying who I am now.

I don’t want to give up the home of my childhood or be shoved into one that is far too tight and uncomfortable for me now.

I want the comfort but not the dysphoria. Here are the things I bite my tongue to stop myself from saying:

When I was a little girl, my best friend was a cat named Charlie. I was by her side when she gave birth to her first litter. I was 5 and I knew from the wind in her eyes what was coming. When I was a little girl, all the cats in my neighborhood approached the sidewalk as I walked by. They don’t any longer because I am no longer that little girl radiating special energy.

When I was a little girl, I was a rebel. The kind who sat up straight and followed instructions but was just as antsy for recess and OUTSIDE as anybody else. I bit the buttons off my red sweater on the top of the playground’s volcano to prove I wasn’t tame.

When I was a little girl, I folded a lot of origami. When I was a little girl, I brought my paper shopping bag full of snowflakes with me to the neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant because I didn’t want to be apart from them. I forgot them beneath the table when we left. I still feel sad.

I wore puffy purple jackets as a young girl. A perfect parade of puffy purple jackets. I loved my coats very much.

I refer to myself as a kid frequently. Refer to myself as a present-day kid, a never-gonna-grow-up kid, but instead take-charge-throw-it-down kind of get-stuff-done-when-I’m in-my-element person. Don’t mistake my scrubbiness for flubbing it.

Because I don’t see myself as a woman. I am not a woman. I will not grow up to be a woman.

And I am not sophisticated enough to call myself adult.

But I don’t want to recollect my childhood as a “kid” when that word wasn’t always my main home.

Give me “girl” for these select memories. But please don’t mistake it for more.

6 thoughts on “Kid Girl Woman Human

  1. These letters are pretty wonderful. I understand how Stone Butch Blues can be so powerful. I somehow avoided reading for years, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.
    I have my own questions and comments that I would address to Feinberg.


    1. Thank you! 🙂 I had avoided reading Stone Butch Blues for years too. I’m actually thankful for the delay because I ended up reading the book at time when it meant more. Perhaps you should write your own letter(s) to Feinberg!


      1. At one time the book would have been too much for me. Ten years ago, it would have been significant. But now, every page had significance. So it was a good time to finally encounter the book.
        I think that I will write a letter, but only after I re-read the book, and take my time with it.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the comment and follow! I appreciate the support. 🙂 Eventually, I will engage more directly with content from Stone Butch Blues, current events, and other transgender warriors.


  2. Pingback: Gender Perspectives, Vol. 10 | Valprehension

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